So Cold
by ILoVeWicked
Summary: Tell me, Doctor Hahn, what do you have against children? What did they ever do to you to make you resent them so much?" My first one-shot. Hope you enjoy!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. But messing with the character's heads is quite fun!**

**Hey everyone! I'm took a break from my other Grey's stories and wrote this down because this idea came to mind when watching Grey's Anatomy videos online (yeah, I know, I'm really living out my last few days of Spring Break). This is my first oneshot ever, so if it stinks I apologize. I'm not used to writing stories that end so quickly. Anyway, this story revolves around Erica Hahn and her coldness towards children, because I wanted to give her a reason as to why she's so cold. Thanks for reading! Happy Easter!**

**-ILoVeWicked**

_**So Cold**_

Erica Hahn whipped off her scrub and ran her fingers through her long blonde locks. The boy was dead. The two year old boy was dead. She had done everything imaginable in order to remove the flat line on that screen for three hours, and yet there was nothing she could have done to save him in the end.

Avoiding the gaze of the boy's family, the only thing she could do was try to list the possible ways of telling his wide-eyed parents that their son had died of a cardiac arrest.

Just as she opened her mouth, Miranda Bailey emerged from the operation room with pity in her eyes as she removed her gloves. Spotting the anxious couple before her, she turned to Erica and let out a heavy sigh.

"Doctor Hahn," she began, "is everything okay?" Finally noticing that her mouth was gaping open and no words were forming on her lips, Erica swallowed hard and nodded.

"I was just about to tell Mr. and Mrs. Wilson here how their son didn't make it in the surgery from a cardiac arrest," Erica responded quickly. Realizing what she had blurted out only moments later. Erica clamped her mouth shut. The Wilson parents' faces contorted into looks of horror.

As much as she wanted to turn back time or say something to help the mortified parents, she knew that the deed was done and there was really nothing she could do. Miranda's face twisted with rage as Mrs. Wilson let out a sob.

"How could you be so cold-hearted?" she asked angrily as the little boy's parents swayed together in a teary embrace. Erica felt her face grow hot and red as Miranda's fiery eyes bore into her own wide ones.

"There are probably a million ways you could have handled that better and let this poor couple down gently!" Miranda yelled. Erica was fully aware that everyone in the hospital was staring at her as Bailey screamed her head off while the parents of the boy continued crying.

"What kind of a doctor are you? Obviously not a good one if you think that just demonstrated the right way to tell parents that their son is dead! Tell me, Doctor Hahn, what do have against children? What did they ever do to you to make you resent them so much?"

Normally, Erica would have yelled back at the short yet intimidating chief resident. She would have defended herself and ridiculed Miranda for asking her such a stupid question.

But the truth was that it wasn't a stupid question. It was something she could answer either with a simple or complicated explanation. Erica stared up at the ceiling, remembering the final night five years ago when she in fact didn't resent children, but loved them just as much as she loved her job, maybe even more.

_"Mommy!" Lily Hahn cheered as her mother emerged in her bedroom doorway. Erica allowed a smile to spread across her face as the little girl bounced happily on her bed, awaiting to be tucked in._

_She took a seat at the foot of the small bed as Lily crawled under her comforter. Before she could lean in to kiss her daughter's forehead, Lily held up her hand. _

_"Mommy, do you believe in true love?" she asked, curiosity growing in her big blue eyes. Erica placed a hand on the girl's blonde curls which were almost identical to her own._

_"Now," she began with a hint of laughter in her voice, as she had not been expecting for Lily to ask a question so complicated, "why would you ask that?" Lily shrugged, pulling her covers closer to her chin._

_"Amanda says her mommy and daddy's annvers'ry is today. She's says the kind of love they have is true love. Do you believe in that kinda stuff? Because I never got to meet my daddy, so I couldn't come back at her with something better, like I always do when she brags bout her mom being a dentist, and you know how a cardiologist beats a dentist any day."_

_Erica bit her lip. She had always imagined her daughter asking this question years from now, but it had all come so suddenly. She knew that not having a father would obviously affect Lily someday, but then again, she hoped that day would have been her wedding day. And she hadn't had time to write out her response like she had planned to. But it was always comforting to see how much Lily admired her and her job. Even after a successful day of surgeries day at work, Erica had to admit the best thing about her day would be to always come home to Lily's toothy smile._

_"Do you want the truth, Sweetheart?" she asked quietly. "About your father, I mean." Lily nodded and sat up._

_"Mommy, I'm seven and a half. I'm too old to be lied to," she answered quickly. It was true. Lily knew a lot more about things than her friends did, and she would always rather watch the Discovery Channel as opposed to any children's channels. She was definitely more mature than the average seven year old._

_"Your dad was a huge jerk." Lily crinkled her nose._

_"I don't like jerks," she told her mother. Erica nodded and peered at the digital clock on Lily's nightstand._

_"Neither did I," she said, half to herself. "Now, it's time to get to bed, you've got school tomorrow."_

_"Mom? Will I ever get to experience an annvers'ry with my parents?" Erica pursed her lips. _

_"I don't think so, Honey," she said quietly, trying not to get upset over the look of disappointment in her daughter's eyes. The last thing in the world she wanted to do was to let Lily down._

_"I'm sorry," was all she could say to make herself feel a little less guilty. Lily's eyes suddenly lit up after a few moments._

_"I know!" she cried. "You and I can have our own annver'sry party! An anvers'ry with a little girl and a mommy is better than a mommy and daddy having one!" Erica let out a small laugh and tickled Lily under her chin. Lily let out a squeaky giggle._

_"Alright then it's settled. You and I are going to have the best anniversary party ever!" Lily gave her a thumbs up and leaned in. She gave her mother a small kiss on the cheek. That small kiss meant the world to Erica as she wrapped her arms around Lily's tiny frame._

_"Goodnight, Sweetheart."_

_"Goodnight Mommy. I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_Standing at her doorway and watching Lily breathe peacefully as she slept, she knew there would never be any surgery that could compare to having that little girl as a daughter. She did believe in true love, but certainly not with men like her daughter had inquired. What she felt was a much stronger true love for someone closer to her than any ex-boyfriend could get. She was truly in love with Lily Hahn._

"She never woke up," Erica stated quietly to no one in particular. "The next day, she never woke up." Miranda shook her head quickly in confusion once she noticed that Erica had come back to life.

"What? What are you talking about, Hahn?"

Erica stepped away from Doctor Bailey and the Wilson couple and began heading down the hallway. She kept her focus on the sunlight coming through the window and let the warmth of the halogens tingle her skin as she removed her white coat. For a moment, she could almost hear the tinny laughter of Lily.

"Hahn, where do you think you're going?" Miranda yelled, pacing after her and gripping onto her forearm. "Why on earth would you just walk away like this? What's gotten into you?"

Erica turned to Miranda with a smug smile on her face. "I gave you an answer, Miranda."

"What are you…"

"I told you why I can't stand to look a child in the eye anymore. I gave you your answer, now let go of my arm. There's someone I need to go visit."


End file.
